Am I Worth It?

I have noticed a pattern of late, one that I was able to extrapolate back to many of my past interactions and observations of people's behavior. Of the ones that I have observed, people tend to over-generalize specific behavior in others that causes them hurt, saying to the offending individual that he or she has a pattern of doing that to "people". They tend to make two assumptions about a person's normative behavior based on just a couple of very specific bad interactions with that person:

1. The person that hurt me always acts that way towards everyone.
2. Everyone else re-acts to that person's behavior the same way that I did.

There is also a very similar set of assumptions that I believe are based in the same set of underlying issues:

1. Everyone else would react the same way I did to this person's behavior.
2. Since this person has friends that seem to enjoy his or her company, this person must be treating me differently than he or she treats everyone else.

Now, it is entirely possible that these particular assumptions are in fact true for any given specific individual. But even if they are true, in the behavior I have observed in others, those assumptions haven't been based on observing how the offending individual has interacted with others outside the  hurt person's field of view. These people have jumped to these conclusions without sufficient evidence. And as I considered this pattern recently, I was forced to ask the question: Why? Why doesn't the hurt individual simply approach the one who hurt them and say "You really hurt my feelings" rather than "You are hurtful towards people"?

I see two possibilities, and they aren't mutually exclusive. There are probably more, but this is what I see.

One, in the eyes of those who are hurt, it is possible that such assumptions lessen or eliminate the responsibility they feel for their own reactions to the offending behavior. "Well, if he always does this to people, or if he is going out of his way to treat me this badly, then it is his fault that I feel like this. He is the one that needs to change." Do you see yourself in this statement? It may very well be true that the offending person needs to change, but that does not negate your responsibility to have Christ-like reactions when people hurt you. For more on this, see my post entitled Do not fail to extend grace.

The second possibility brings me to the heart of this post. In considering that question of why many people don't just come out and tell someone that person hurt them, I believe something like this may be running through their minds: "I am afraid that the person who hurt me won't value me enough as a person to care that he hurt me." Simply telling someone "you hurt me" requires reliance on the other person caring that he or she hurt you. That's a scary place to be for many people. Furthermore, for those who have been hurt, the initial hurt itself can easily contribute to that uncertainty of intrinsic worth in the eyes of the offending person. From there, it's a fairly logical step to say, "If they won't change for me, maybe I can convince them to see that this is a pervasive problem that they need to change for themselves." Understandable, but certainly not preferable.

Do you see yourself in the previous paragraph? First, I would have you understand that as one created in the image God, you are valuable as a person because God says so. If you are a disciple of Christ, your intrinsic value is magnified by the fact that Jesus paid a price that cannot be measured to redeem you from eternal punishment for your sins. Your value as a person is secure in God, independent of how any one person acts towards you.

Second, I hope you can also see that broad sweeping statements directed at a person's character, ones that are quite possibly not true, can cause just as much pain for them as they caused for you, possibly more. It's one thing for someone to act insensitively towards you in a singular moment or two. It is quite another for you to come back and claim that the person has the fundamental character flaw of being insensitive by nature.

You should always strive to live at peace with everyone, and do not fail to extend them grace when they hurt you (Hebrews 12:14-15 ESV). When you are hurt, tell the person plainly "You hurt me" rather than "You have a tendency to do this to 'people'". If you do see a faulty pattern and want to help that person correct the pattern, I urge you to spend time studying what it means to instruct with gentleness, especially checking your motivation in seeking to correct. If you are in the mode of "I want that person to feel sorry that they hurt me and change so that they will stop hurting me," you should probably not say anything in the vein of trying to correct a "pattern". If you truly want to see your brother or sister grow in Christ-likeness, proceed carefully in love.

A Study in Ephesians: Pt. 9, Ephesians 1:15-23

At the end of Ephesians 1:19 (HCSB), there is the phrase "according to the working of His vast strength." I was wondering what specifically was according to God's strength or power. As I mentioned in part 8 on Ephesians, verses 15-21 are one sentence in the Greek. Since the ESV translates this passage as one sentence, I thought it would be useful to consider the section as a whole to try and discover the meaning of the "according to" phrase. One note before I proceed with that, though. The ESV's rendering of verse 15 could almost be read as stating that the only reason Paul is giving unceasing thanks for the Ephesians is because of their faith and love. Based on the structure of the Greek words themselves, I don't think the translators chose the best wording for that first part of verse 15, but I include the whole passage here for context.

Similar to diagramming sentences in high school English class, I sectioned this passage off in a way that I believe identifies the various side clauses that Paul is famous for using. I think that will help in discerning what the "according to" phrase is referring to.

15 For this reason,

• because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints, 
• 16 I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, 
• 17 that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, 18 having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, 
• that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, 
• what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, 
• 19 and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe,
• according to the working of his great might 
• 20 that he worked in Christ 
• when he raised him from the dead 
• and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, 
• 21 far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, 
• and above every name that is named, 
• not only in this age but also in the one to come. 
• 22 And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the church, 23 which is his body, the fullness of him who fills all in all.

This tabbed outline is obviously just my interpretation of the structure of the passage, but I feel it is an accurate representation of Paul's thought process. What it illustrates is that I see the "according to" passage as referring to verses 17-18a. In other words, it is according to the work of His great might that the Father will give us the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of Him.

Paul is praying for God to give the Ephesians the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation specifically according to the working of His great might. This stands in stark contrast to where the world looks to find wisdom and understanding (e.g. science, internal enlightenment). And it is so easy to believe that what we as disciples know and understand about God and the Word is borne out of our own minds. But the Word is filled with admonitions to not rely on human wisdom and understanding. Here are just two:

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and do not rely on your own understanding;

6 think about Him in all your ways,

and He will guide you on the right paths.

Proverbs 3

1 Corinthians 1:25 because God’s foolishness is wiser than human wisdom, and God’s weakness is stronger than human strength.

Wherever you are in life right now, whatever decisions you may face, you should be daily asking God for wisdom and understanding. And you must recognize that only the wisdom that comes from God is worth having and depending on. If the understanding you have is not "according to the working of His vast strength," then it is nothing more than human foolishness.