I want to want...

I want to want only what You want and only for the reason You want me to want it.

13 Who is wise and has understanding among you? He should show his works by good conduct with wisdom’s gentleness. 14 But if you have bitter envy and selfish ambition in your heart, don’t brag and deny the truth. 15 Such wisdom does not come from above but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. 16 For where envy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every kind of evil. 17 But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peace-loving, gentle, compliant, full of mercy and good fruits, without favoritism and hypocrisy. 18 And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who cultivate peace. 1 What is the source of wars and fights among you? Don’t they come from the cravings that are at war within you? 2 You desire and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. You do not have because you do not ask. 3 You ask and don’t receive because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your evil desires. James 3:13-4:3

1 If then there is any encouragement in Christ, if any consolation of love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, 2 fulfill my joy by thinking the same way, having the same love, sharing the same feelings, focusing on one goal. 3 Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. 4 Everyone should look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Philippians 2:1-4

After speaking with a pastor I met recently, one who has been teaching and shepherding for 50+ years, he asked me to consider this question about myself: "Why are you so impatient with imperfection?" He also asked me something to the effect of "What is it that you are striving for?" Both of those questions have been haunting me for nearly a week now.

I don't know that I fully understand the answer to either of those questions yet, but I have come to realize that distinguishing between that which is objectively wrong and that which is subjectively "sub-optimal" is a lot more difficult that I ever imagined, and far too often I place entirely too much in the first category when it belongs in the second, or even in a third category of "different, yet equally as good". And the ugly truth of the matter is that I have placed some of what I have in the first category because of an attitude of rivalry and conceit, of "you shouldn't do it that way because I can do it better."

In recognizing that God has given me gifts that He wants to use for His glory, I must also realize that when, where, and how they are used are up to Him as well, and even whether or not they are used at all.

God, give me a heart of true gentleness, wisdom, and humility. Teach me to truly submit to Your will whenever it may be, wherever it may lead, and however it may look.

Long time no write

The last half of 2013 was a rough time for me. A lot of small things and a couple of big things worked together to the point where my wife and I had to leave our church. It would be foolish for me to claim that my own actions did not play a significant part in how bad things had become, and now on the other side of it all I am left with a lingering question: What was the point of it all?

A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord determines his steps.

Proverbs 16:9

I know, Lord, that a man’s way of life is not his own; 

no one who walks determines his own steps. 
Jeremiah 10:23

Who is there who speaks and it happens, unless the Lord has ordained it?

Lamentations 3:37

What is it that God wants me to learn through all this? Why has He brought us through this season in our lives? 

God has been bringing this verse to mind often here of late: 

23 But reject foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they breed quarrels. 24 The Lord’s slave must not quarrel, but must be gentle to everyone, able to teach, and patient, 25 instructing his opponents with gentleness. Perhaps God will grant them repentance leading them to the knowledge of the truth. 

2 Timothy 2:23-25

Something really stood out to me today, that from one perspective, "able to teach" seems out of place in verse 24. "Reject stupid disputes, they just bring about unnecessary arguments. Don't engage in these arguments, but be gentle and patient with everyone." That would seem to make more sense at first blush, so I really took notice of "able to teach" here, and I think the principle is this:

Teaching is not quarreling, and quarreling is not teaching.
They are mutually exclusive.

Anyone else who reads this may be thinking "Well, duh!", but really, it is rather humbling for me. I spent a lot of time quarreling the last 6 months I was at my former church, and honestly, at the time I really thought I was teaching.

In a sermon I heard recently, the pastor speaking said something to the effect of "Show me someone who is passionate about what he believes, and I will show you someone who has conviction in the face of hardships." He was drawing this from Peter's willingness to give God glory for his escape from prison even while knowing that he could be recaptured and probably killed at any moment (Acts 12). Even as I affirmed the truth of what the pastor was saying, God showed me something else as well: It is far too easy in my sinfulness for passion to become persecution and conviction to become condemnation.

God, please shut my mouth when all I want to do is quarrel.
Teach me to be patient and gentle with everyone I meet.